A Conversation on Internalized Misandry

I am a black anti-feminist woman and my husband is a white man who has never been against feminism, or given feminism much thought. Last night we had an interesting conversation over dinner.

We own a building with several apartments and at the moment we are changing the renter of the apartment that is closest to the apartment that is our own. We don’t live there all the time, but we are there often. We had to choose between two applicants, one is a woman and one is a man. They earn similar amounts, and both work near by. The woman smokes and the guy doesn’t.So we decided to go with the woman, and the reason was because if we had family over there they would feel more comfortable with a girl next door than with a guy since there would be little children around. I know you are throwing rocks at us at the moment, but we had to make a choice and so we did. At dinner we were discussing that choice in terms of intersectionality and so I started by saying that it was very wrong of us in terms of equality to choose the girl for the reason we did.

He agreed but said that it is just a part of life that people are more afraid of men and that he also has the same fears of other men. He spoke about a recent thing that happened to us. We were at a park both lying down on a rug and watching our kids play. A child with down syndrome then came up to us and close to my husband and lay down as if she wanted to sleep, she held on to his leg and admittedly it was weird. I thought nothing of it and moved around so that he could move closer to me to give the child more space to lay down.

At dinner last night he told me that in that instance he was very afraid of what others might think of him with a little child laying next to him like that, I would not have been afraid and fear was the furthest thing from my mind. So I asked him if he sees how this negative stereotype against men hurts men. He said yes but that it is just a part of life. He said that if for example our toddler goes to a woman and plays he would think nothing of it but when she goes to a man he pays more attention, looks closer just in case something happens.

This all reminded me of something else: being black! And so I told him, he knows exactly what it is like to be black. This made me wonder, is it the case that men as a whole can understand what being black is like since they live a similar experience. A disturbing part of being black is that the media or culture or just the reality does cause you to be afraid of others who are exactly like you. You may be aware that it is wrong, but you are still unable to stop that from happening.

Anyway, I’m not sure this is very interesting to others but I wonder can men as a class use intersectionality to empathise with other oppressed groups?

10 Comments on “A Conversation on Internalized Misandry”

  1. This website is the stupidist thing I have ever seen?! I don’t think you understand that if you want to stand up there is noooooooooooo other way to make a statement then marching. What do you think is going to happen your just going to write an email to president Donald trump? Great idea spen hours writing emails to a piece of trash who said he would fuck his daughter. He’s not going to respond. This website has 0 facts its all opinion why don’t you go read some articles that have truth in them before making a stupid website thankyou

    • I belive this website is meant to start a conversation about gender relations and gender issues that aren’t often talked about.

      So, calm down, rephrase your comment to display your intelligence and critical thinking, and join the conversation. Otherwise you are just complaining to be noticed.

    • Why are you not “open”? Why are you not “accepting”? Isn’t that what modern-day feminism is about? I am still trying to figure out where I stand, but comments like this make me think less of modern-day feminism as a whole. I start to think there really IS a stereotype of feminists and that all the other articles on this website are correct.

      Thank you for being you and showing me exactly what “feminism” is all about.

    • Your comment is stupid. I request you to stop trying to use your brain on things which are out of your ability to understand.

  2. Thank you, Jinna, for this eye-opening post. I’m a new member of Women Against Feminism on Facebook. I hopped over to the website to read some of the posts. I would have probably done the same thing: Choose the female tenant over the male tenant, for the same reason you did. I don’t think we can help but be vigilant in our gut instincts. And the story about the little girl who came up to your husband and wanted to take a nap next to him. That’s an awkward situation, for sure. It’s too bad we have to be so distrusting these days. In fact, I could identify with all of your examples. I appreciate your honesty.

  3. I’m not sure I understand how the comparison of oppression of a black person with the oppression your husband encountered is a reason to reject feminism. Like you, it pains me that men who are nurturing and love children have a much harder time expressing that without fearing the biased or even aggressive reaction of others.

    It is this myth that the nurturing of children is the exclusive domain of women that drives me to speak out for equality for women. I know that real equality benefits both women and men in ways your experience highlights. The myth of “sacred mother” hurts more than just women.

    But, let us not forget the origins of that myth and the people who stand to benefit most from its perpetuation. For me, feminism is a fight for a valued identity beyond that of mother and to fully open the space of child rearing to men who love children and are fulfilled by the act of their nurturing.

    So, if your reaction to a man showing a public display of care and nurture for a child who is not his own is a negative one, please don’t blame feminism. The origins of that psychological response are rooted in the social construct that feminism fights against every day – that women should not be thoroughly encouraged or enabled to pursue an identity beyond or even instead of mother, and that men should not be genuinely encouraged to embrace a domestic identity beyond or instead of a professional identity.

    Feminists live for the day your husband could simply enjoy the unexpected delight of a child’s innocent attention without fear of other’s gender-biased reactions.

    • nice comment. i dont blame feminism for that at all, but i do think we should replace feminism with something more clearly inclusive.

      feminism
      ˈfɛmɪnɪz(ə)m/Submit
      Submit
      noun
      the advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes.
      synonyms: the women’s movement, the feminist movement, women’s liberation, female emancipation, women’s rights; More

      egalitarian
      ɪˌɡalɪˈtɛːrɪən/
      adjective
      1.
      believing in or based on the principle that all people are equal and deserve equal rights and opportunities.
      “a fairer, more egalitarian society”
      noun
      1.
      a person who advocates or supports the principle of equality for all people.
      “he was a social and political egalitarian”

      do you see the difference? if you believe that BOTH men and women have issues and you seek equality between the sexes then you have no reason to not be egalitarian.

    • The origins of that myth came from a woman. Originally, a woman did most of the raising of young kids and babies because it was the logical thing to do. Men can’t get pregnant nor breastfeed, but he still had the responsibility of all. When a couple got divorced, it was the man who got the children because he had all the responsibilities to do with them, until a woman fighting for her kids pushed the ‘mothers are the better parent’ narrative, winning the case, while the father still had all the responsibilities. And the people who benefit most are the single mothers who deny the father access to his kids while still receiving his money in child support…

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